Around the Bend: Promises, Promises

"For years I kept the jellybean safely in its box. After a while my parents moved to another house and my dream girl went to university. She passed her exams and went to another country. I wrote to her, but she never wrote back. When I saw her again she was married, with three children. I was heart-broken.

"More years passed. I was past my prime now, and not so attractive. I didn't have any women chasing me, because they were either already married, or they thought I was a little bit crazy. Everyone seemed to know that I had a jellybean for a wife. They used to call me Beanie, and they asked me if I'd had any jellybabies yet. It was embarrassing.

"And then I reached the ripe old age of seventy. I'd given up all hope of ever being married, and I hadn't seen my dream-girl for over forty years. I didn't even know if she was dead or alive! And there was Agathea, a dear, sweet lady in the house three doors from me. She and I were in love, but as long as I had my jellybean wife I couldn't do more than talk to her.

"I remember one day, I took the jellybean out of its box and held it in my hand. "You did this to me!" I shouted at it. Maybe I was going loony in my old age, but that's what I did. And then I had an idea. There was a way I could marry again. My jellybean wife could die. Yes, that was it. I would arrange for her to be killed. But how? It had to look like an accident. I didn't want to be put in prison for murder, even if it was just for killing a jellybean.

I thought of 'accidentally' dropping my wife down the drain, or chucking her in front of a lawn-mower. No, too gruesome. Maybe I could get the cat to eat her? No, Tiddles didn't like sweets. How about the neighbor's dog? No, that seemed too cruel. I thought of eating her myself, but it didn't seem right to go sucking my wife to death. It was a very difficult problem for me.

"I even rang a lawyer, to see how things stood legally. Could I divorce my jellybean? No, he said, I had no grounds. She had always been sweet to me. A good wife.

He did point out that the jellybean and I had never actually married, formally that is, but I considered my promise binding enough.

"But after a few days I finally came up with the answer!"

Lefty and Mick and I leaned forward, waiting for the rest of the story, but grandpa was nodding off.