Tangled Yarns: Failures

(The following is a summary of an historical account retrieved from the engine room of an alien space-ship and translated loosely. It covers the funniest invasion of Earth ever recorded.)

In the year 4765. 3 on the planet Zorble, which has a very fast, irregular orbit, which causes nausea and vomiting to nearly all the inhabitants, a fleet of fifteen million dangerously armed ships was built and assembled. There they stood, row upon gleaming row, as the high-standing, extremely important lord admiral of the entire kaboodle (the alien's name for a fleet), climbed the steps of the podium and cleared his throat. As he opened his mouth to speak, the microphone was knocked from his hand by a crandle (a small, fat bird which shuts its eyes when it flaps its one wing to fly.)

Three million Zorbelites gasped and fell backwards in fright. This was an omen. A sign that their great exodus from the planet was doomed.

But the admiral recovered his balance and opened his mouth again.

Three million Zorbelites sighed with relief. This was an omen. A sign that their great exodus from the planet was blessed.

But a crandle flew right into his mouth and he fell back, choking and spitting out bright green feathers. The crandle was annoyed at having its feathers pulled out. It perched on the admiral's head and chattered angrily at him.

This was an omen, that crandle's might fly into open mouths.

"Today," said the admiral, spitting out feathers, "We are about to embark on a new stage in our civilization's growth. Milk, butter, box of laundry powder, eggs . . . sorry, I have the wrong sheet of paper, ah, here we are . . . and in our quest for the stars, let us not forget our humble beginnings" (All the listening Zorbelites tried to remember their humble beginnings and failed, but the admiral went on) "This will be one small floolop for Zorble, but one giant crabbick for Zorblekind. Never have so many done so much to get away so quickly. This is a day to remember, whatever the exact date is. And so, without any further words, I wish you all well as you launch out on this great venture!"

At that moment the planet gave an extra large wobble, which caused every space-ship to fall over and many of the weapons went off, triggering a chain=reaction which gave the panel-beating industry a real shot in the arm. The admiral waited patiently for the noise to die down, then he raised the huge, gleaming ceremonial trumpet of